Facing down monsters alone in your upstairs bedroom with a flashlight, when you could have done a few simple things to make your house safer in general and set yourself up to survive the apocalypse, is a big bummer. But, how do you make your house safe from monsters? We’ve got a few recommendations for making your treasured home monster-proof.
Zombies r dumb
Dig a trench around your house that’s roughly 7 feet deep and 7 feet across. You’ll be glad you did, because zombies will just fall into that, and then you don’t have to do anything but stand above them and watch the show. If you can’t borrow your neighbor’s backhoe to dig a trench that deep, then build a good fence. A decent chain link fence should do. Make sure it’s over 7 feet high, since some zombies are tall.
If the trench or the fence fails, don’t worry. Just lock the doors and windows. Zombies can’t figure out locks. At all. Zombies can’t figure anything out really. Unless they’re the 28 Days Later zombies, in which case, nothing will work to keep them out. Run!
Don’t give up the ghost
What’s the easiest way to keep ghosts out of your house? Don’t let anybody die in your house, especially somebody with a cantankerous personality that might come back later and be mad at you.
Or nail a horseshoe over your door. Horseshoes are traditionally believed to ward off evil spirits but always remember to keep the ends pointed up, so the luck doesn’t run out. And of course, since ghosts only come through the door, your plan is solid.
Some Southeast Asian cultures believe there are already ghosts in everybody’s home. If that’s the case, build a spirit house to distract the ghosts into an area that’s not inhabited. Ghosts seem to particularly enjoy candy, incense, money, soda, and brightly colored flowers. Don’t we all.
Hinder the bloodsuckers
Keeping vampires out is simple. All you have to do is this: Don’t invite them in. If one of them is sneaky, and you somehow invite them in anyway, make sure you hang garlic over as many doors as possible and then crucifixes too.
Oddly enough, vampires also have terrible obsessive-compulsive disorder, so if you want to mess with them, scatter grass seed all over your front lawn. The vampires will have to count all the seeds before they come to your home, so this is an easy way to keep them distracted. Nailed it.
Be nowhere for the werewolves
One way to prevent werewolves, werebears, weretigers, werefoxes and even werehyenas is to make sure the full moon doesn’t shine down on your house. Perhaps a few large window canopies would be of assistance. But in case they come to play anyway, gather all of your silver together. Silver bullets work well – not cans of Coors Light – but many prefer the more medieval sword, crossbow, or cane. Mercury is also rumored to be effective against werewolves, if you have any old thermometers around.
I want my mummy
Mummies can be as annoying as the other monsters to keep away, and they can also be particularly difficult to kill. But as long as you haven’t been chanting from The Book of the Dead or you look exactly like their consort from 4,000 years ago, then you should be okay.
If there’s a flock of mummies coming for you, ring your house with fire or get a good fire going in the fireplace. Mummy bodies were soaked in highly flammable resin. So get fired up!
Trelora Real Estate serves the Colorado Front Range, Summit County, Seattle Metro Area, and all monster-proofing badasses. Our mission is simple: full service real estate for a fraction of the cost. When you hire a traditional agent to help you buy or sell your home, you pay that agent 3-6% of the home’s value.
When you hire Trelora, you pay just 1% to sell your home. You’ll also get best-in-class customer service, and a team of expert agents who close hundreds of deals per year. And keep in mind, especially if you’re moving or you have friends in other states, that Trelora can help you in Atlanta, Charleston, Charlotte, Denver, Los Angeles, Phoenix, Raleigh, Sacramento, Seattle and Tucson. In the meantime, please stay healthy and safe.